my little friend depression

{this post is kind of a rant :) }

since the age of 15 i have battled what you would call depression, or what i would call an ongoing nightmare.

the past 6 years of my life have been spent dealing with my depression on and off. it usually comes in waves for me and likes to stay for months at a time threatening to ruin my relationships, life, and progress in school.

sometimes i can fully function with my depression, its just like a little devil sitting on my shoulder and other times it feels like the whale of depression has swallowed me and i cant seem to get out of the deep hole that i was seemingly forced into.

i didn't think about medication for my illness because, again, i felt it was taboo and would make me look weak. in nov. of 2016 i decided to go with the wind and try medication because i was having such a hard time. i got prescribed a anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug for which i mostly wanted it for the anti-anxiety affects because i was really struggling with that too.

i took it, and it seemed to work. besides all of the side effects that came with it.

the extreme tiredness, feeling like a zombie, not being able to focus, and the fogginess i felt was extreme at times.

so 7 or so months later i got my dose increased and all of the side effects....ALL of them came on full force.

i felt even worse than when i first started the meds.

so i stopped taking them, and started detoxing off of them. the side effects of that only lasted a week or so and kinda subsided.

so now i am medication free and i still suffer from depression. the meds didn't save me. and i didn't expect them to save me. but they did help me through a rough time in my life and for that i am forever grateful that i had the privilege and access to them.

my point here is that depression is okay.

it is a daily battle for me. and it probably will be for most of my life. i have great days and i have horrible days. i just hope for most of my life that the great days outweigh the bad ones and that i can learn how to live with my depression and control it in a manner that makes my life fulfilling in its own way.

depression does not make me non-loveable. it doesn't mean that i wont get married to someone one day and bear kids. it doesn't mean i cant have my dream job and live a peaceful, mindful, and happy life.

i am stronger than my depression. and i am more than my depression. depression is a part of me not all of me.

depression does not define me, i define me.

for all of you out there that struggle with depression, just know it is okay. and that you will be okay.

<3