the art of being alone

*gasp*

the word alone often triggers anxiety in a lot of us. we fear being alone. being along is usually a last option for most of us...but why?

why do we despise being alone?

as someone who has been alone most of my life (except for an 11 month long relationship) i can tell you that i, myself have struggled with this concept of being alone and also desiring for someone to be in my life.

but can there be a happy medium between being alone (and enjoying it) while also having someone in your life?

can you fully accept being alone, and be happy and content with it?

are we meant to be alone?

what is the definition of alone? does it mean not having a significant other, although we have family, friends, and others that are in our everyday life?

i think the art of being alone starts with being comfortable going places alone. this means shopping alone, driving alone, eating alone, and being able to feel content doing it.

today i ate at a restaurant for the first time by myself and it was very liberating. previously i was always afraid of judgement or looks or people thinking i was a loner, but today i let all of those things go and it ended up being such a great experience.

i think being content being alone has to also involve the acceptance of being alone in this present season in life, knowing very well that this season will not last forever.

nothing lasts forever, so being alone wont, as will being with someone. its the ebs and flows of life, and you really have to accept it, go with it, and enjoy each moment even though it is difficult and hard.

the art of being alone also involves being okay with sleeping alone. being content with having your space as yours, and accepting it. personal space is very precious, and i know i value my personal space and only let those who i feel are deserving and worthy of coming into it.

this also allows for boundaries, and when boundaries are in place you are much less likely to give in, or give up things.

the art of being alone means that you fully embrace those lonely feelings and nights. you embrace them full force. when these feelings come about, you listen to them. you ask yourself why you feel this way, you be honest with yourself. even if that means crying, you let it out. getting past something or improving on something means feeling it, talking about it, recognizing it, and moving on from it. its the best way to heal, forgive, and move on from these hard, negative, and often depressing feelings.

the art of being alone is recognizing that you arent actually alone. yes you might not have a significant other, but are you really alone? do you have family, friends, and other that care for you in your life? if the answer is yes, then you really arent alone. see, this is a different way of looking at it. embrace these relationships. often times we dont, and we regret it later.

the art of being alone also means that you value yourself. when you can value being alone, you value yourself, your space, and your life. you value your hobbies, your job, and you have put forth future value on what you will have one day when you are no longer alone.

being alone is not a bad thing. it is actually very great. it takes time to learn the art of being alone, and even when you learn it, there are still obstacles. this is life. feel it. embrace it. and know that nothing is permanent. it does the heart good.

xoxo

sam

b l e s s e d

i wanted to write this short(ish) post today, because as i sit here i cannot be more blessed.


i want to start out this post by saying how much i appreciate everyone in my life. my mother, sisters, and brother have continuously been there for me through it all. my friends are the best. there may be few of you but you guys are the best. you support me, you validate me, you cheer me on, and you have all supported me through some of the toughest times in my life.

i am blessed to have such an awesome job (thanks molli!) where i get to go to work and support individuals who otherwise wouldn't get a chance to get out in the community and be involved or even acknowledged. it truly warms my heart that i get the privilege to do this. to be in their lives and to get the honor of taking them out and having so much fun with them. i honestly learn more from them than they do from me.

i am also blessed to have a roof over my head. i have moved a ton these past 4 years but i have always had a roof, a bed, or even a floor to sleep on. i have access to tv, and i can cook meals and that is taken for granted too often. i have hot showers and can take hot baths when i please and this is taken even more for granted.

i have a car. oh whee. this is such a blessing. i can go where i want, when i want, whenever i want. and i know from experience that having this is such a blessing. taking the bus is fun until the 100th time and then having a car sounds real nice. i'm so blessed to have my lil car and gas to get around to where i need.

i have my health. inside and out. i am fully able bodied, and i don't appreciate that all the time. i can walk, run, squat, lift my arms and then i complain about working out? i look at my body and i don't think its perfect because of things that have been ingrained into my brain by society. what if we never complained about our handle bars, belly, and thighs that touch? i realize how grateful i should be and how blessed i am for this body that God gave me.

i have my freedom. oh gee. i didn't realize the freedom that i had, until i had it taken away from me. from being controlled by a father and a culture to being in a toxic relationship. now that i am fully free from all of those situations i realize all the things i can do, places i can go, and the ways i can express myself so freely without punishment. and it is so wonderful. i am also blessed and fortunate to have been able to leave those situations with minor harm and develop a heart full of hope and a mind that is set on never letting that happen again.

i am blessed to be alive. to have another day on this earth. to have breathe and life in me.

thank you for reading

xo

sam

twenty two things i learned in twenty two years

its been a while since i've posted on here, but i thought i would bring back posts starting with some things that i have learned in the last 22 years of my life here on this planet.

so here we go...

1. loving yourself is extremely important

2. education is a gateway to so many great things

3. being independent will save you from lots of troubles

4. being a size 12 is not the end of the world

5. and to follow that, having handle bars, saggy boobs, and thick thighs is the least of my worries

6. losing love is not the end of the world, and it will come around again

7. the way people treat you is a reflection of them, not you

8. tattoos are a great way to express yourself

9. moms are the best

10. put down your phone when you are with the ones you love

11. go for walks, drives, hikes because you are capable and you can

12. splurge and buy yourself chipotle, or your fav food ;) 

13. anxiety and depression can run your life sometimes, and thats okay

14. find coping mechanisms that are healthy

15. love your friends, cherish them, and see them often

16. no amount of material items will fill a void

17. minimalism is the way to go

18. smile at everyone, it makes a difference

19. be polite, and return favors

20. moderation is key to a balanced life

21. try something new (food, exercise, hanging out with a new person)

22. do not let anyone take away your interests, your light, your passion, or yourself from you.

I hope this list i compiled inspires you in a new way!

here is to a new year, and a fresh start

xx

sam

Busy: a disease

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” — Socrates

Let me just first start out by saying the concept that we have about being busy is BS.

We correlate a happy, healthy, fulfilling life with a busy life.

 I admit I fell into this notion too, but after thinking about it, I disagree with the fact that we have to be busy to be happy or successful.

We believe that people will think more highly of us if we are always busy. And that people will crave our time even more if they know we don't have much time to give to them.

But how does neglecting our loved ones attention and time make being busy so fulfilling?

...

I always thought being busy was going to solve all of my problems.

That I would be happier, that I would be more desired, and that I would somehow find true lives fulfillment from it.

What happened to the days that we sit with our loved ones, have slow meaningful conversations in which we express our heart and soul to one another while being in no rush for it to end.

I don't know about you but being busy makes me stressed out. Being busy distracts me from what is most important in life. And being busy often takes time from the things I love.

In this "keeping up with the Joneses" society that we live in we believe that the busier we are the better. That we have to compete with others for validation that we are producing and creating and working "enough".

We have created this world where we have bombarded ourselves with obligation and have left little-to-no time for leisure, less time to just be, and less time to just reflect.

Even when we do have leisure time, we are then sucked in by devices. We are on our phones all the freaking time! So our small amount of leisure time, is actually not leisure time at all.

Somehow being busy comes with a badge of honor because we think people who aren't busy aren't important or even hard working.

When you are busy you are most likely multi-tasking and this causes more chances of making mistakes.

We think that productivity increases when we are able to multitask, but our brain often can't concentrate on two things at the same time and give them equal time and effort. This causes a lack of success and a decrease in performance in the long run.

Humans today are so caught up in getting more and more things done in a shorter time, but that isn't the answer.

Are we really living our lives to the fullest if we are always busy?

And is craving business healthy?

I don't think we realize that sitting back, drinking tea (or beer) and reading a book or taking in a scenery is the ultimate way to not be busy.

We are losing the ability to have a real, tangible, human life.

We have turned into machines that check off things on to-do lists. And that is how we measure our success and worth today.

Stop overloading yourself, stop thinking "I'll be better if I do more", and lastly slow down, breathe, take a break, do nothing for a while. I guarantee you, you will regret being busy.

how expectations ruin us

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” ~Bruce Lee

I have realized in my 21 years on earth that I set high expectations, for everything. 

And I am the only one who ever gets hurt by those expectations when someone doesn't meet them. 

I expect people to text me back, and when they don't, I take it personally. 

But the reality is, they don't have too. And just because I like to text people back in a timely manner, that doesn't mean they do. And that is okay. 

Expecting people to be in a good mood, to hang out with you because they are your friends, family or lover is only an expectation that you are holding up. 

I think it is important to know that it is okay to hope for the outcome that you desire, but being overrun by it and developing negative thoughts and feelings about it is not healthy, or worth it. 

As much as you try, you cannot control people or their feelings nor their actions. 

I have learned that you need to stop expecting people to act the way that you would like them too. 

It. Doesn't. Work. 

You need to be able to develop your own happiness and sense of self so that you have power over your thoughts and emotions.

Live in the moment, because this allows you to be present with yourself and your own thoughts. It allows you to not have expectations of others and lets you avoid anger that can lead you down a road of rejection and fear. 

At the end of the day we all have expectations. I know I do. 

But the important thing is to be mindful about what your expectations are, evaluate them, and allow yourself to let go and let live. 

And most importantly live your life. true to you. 

The only life you are in control of is...YOURS! 

my little friend depression

{this post is kind of a rant :) }

since the age of 15 i have battled what you would call depression, or what i would call an ongoing nightmare.

the past 6 years of my life have been spent dealing with my depression on and off. it usually comes in waves for me and likes to stay for months at a time threatening to ruin my relationships, life, and progress in school.

sometimes i can fully function with my depression, its just like a little devil sitting on my shoulder and other times it feels like the whale of depression has swallowed me and i cant seem to get out of the deep hole that i was seemingly forced into.

i didn't think about medication for my illness because, again, i felt it was taboo and would make me look weak. in nov. of 2016 i decided to go with the wind and try medication because i was having such a hard time. i got prescribed a anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug for which i mostly wanted it for the anti-anxiety affects because i was really struggling with that too.

i took it, and it seemed to work. besides all of the side effects that came with it.

the extreme tiredness, feeling like a zombie, not being able to focus, and the fogginess i felt was extreme at times.

so 7 or so months later i got my dose increased and all of the side effects....ALL of them came on full force.

i felt even worse than when i first started the meds.

so i stopped taking them, and started detoxing off of them. the side effects of that only lasted a week or so and kinda subsided.

so now i am medication free and i still suffer from depression. the meds didn't save me. and i didn't expect them to save me. but they did help me through a rough time in my life and for that i am forever grateful that i had the privilege and access to them.

my point here is that depression is okay.

it is a daily battle for me. and it probably will be for most of my life. i have great days and i have horrible days. i just hope for most of my life that the great days outweigh the bad ones and that i can learn how to live with my depression and control it in a manner that makes my life fulfilling in its own way.

depression does not make me non-loveable. it doesn't mean that i wont get married to someone one day and bear kids. it doesn't mean i cant have my dream job and live a peaceful, mindful, and happy life.

i am stronger than my depression. and i am more than my depression. depression is a part of me not all of me.

depression does not define me, i define me.

for all of you out there that struggle with depression, just know it is okay. and that you will be okay.

<3

the art of slowing down

My day usually consists of jumping out of bed, taking 3 minute showers and speeding to school only to get there early. I walk fast to class and I can't wait for class to end once it starts. I then speed walk to my car and I drive home fast only to be anxious about the next thing that I need to get done.  

Today as I was listening to the podcast "Slowing Down" (which is aired on the Ted talk hour podcast show) I realized that I zoom through my life only to zoom through more stuff in my life. 

Is this actually my life? 

I never actually breathe. I never just walk through campus and take nature in. I never sit outside and watch people and animals roaming. I never truly enjoy the present moment. 

And I'm not sure why I think living life in the fast lane is so enjoyable, because I'm not enjoying anything really. I'm always thinking about the next thing as I'm doing the task before it. I'm always timing how long it takes me to arrive home. I never just take the drive in. The walk in. Or my life in. 

I feel as if I'm running on auto pilot. Thinking the busier I am, the better. 

I think we correlate filling up our schedules to the max with happiness, fulfillment, and how we will be viewed by others. 

We think we will be more popular if we have a busier schedule, we will be occupied so that will make us happier, and that the only way we can get fulfillment is always being active, doing better, and doing more. And doing it fast.  

Today I tried something different. I drove slow to school, avoiding listening to music and I just took the drive in. I sat in the park blocks without my phone eating my egg and cheese bagel admiring the beauty of spring and the sunshine. I consciously walked to class, making sure I was at a comfortable pace. I took my time after class finishing up what needed to be done, not thinking about what I needed to do next. I took the drive home in, and I arrived home feeling so different. 

It was such a big change. 

The art of slowing down isn't to be lazy. It's to live life instead of just doing life. It's being conscious about what you are doing. It's about not overbooking yourself. It's about saying no to things you don't want to do. And it's more about taking deep breathes and beautiful walks and being present. 

It's truly a beautiful way to live, and is something that changed my day, and from

now on it will change my life. 

"i should"

the dreaded "i should's" of life are

well,

dreadful.

we grow up with these notions that we should be this, we should do this, and we should think this way.

still to this day do i push these thoughts of "i should" into everything i do.

i should go to college, because that will land me a better career

i shouldn't date this person because of x, y, and z

i should get up at 6 instead of 10 because thats viewed as more responsible

i should be thinner,
prettier,
smarter,
more personable,
and the list goes on

but what would happen if the phrase 'i should' never existed

would we feel as inadequate as we do now?

would we be doing more things we enjoy with our time?

would we not feel as pressured to live up to all of the "i should's" that come our way

we live in a society that controls us by telling us what we should do. what if we replaced "i should" with "what do i really want" and do that.

i'm sure all of our lives (and mindsets) would change

and i think that is something that we all "should" do

-sam

Dear 11 year old me

It has been a long 10 years, Sameera. And life is nothing like you expected it would be at the ripe age of 11. You were most concerned with playing outside when you got home, and now 21-year-old you is concerned about car payments and graduating college.

There are a few things that I want you to know...

1. You will grow into a young, beautiful woman
2. School might be tough now, but you will succeed more than you know
3. Love, and romance will find its way into your life. Don't stress
4. Never sacrifice your forgiveness and kindness, these things will help you throughout life
5. Depression won't control your life like you think it might, you are a fighter

10 years ago you had a completely different plan. Your life was guided by your future arranged marriage and the things that would bring. In my 11-year-old eyes, I would have been married by 21 and dedicating my life to my husband and family. Now you are getting ready to graduate college and pursue your dreams as a writer and journalist.

11 year old you would be proud of me. Little would you know your life would come crashing down at the age of fifteen. Your parents would split and you would have your first run in with depression. It would eat you alive until you learned to cope with it. You would then forever struggle to have a good relationship with your father, whom was more concerned with money and control. You would learn what unconditional love means and it would make you sad to know that your dad did not possess that quality.

A few years later you would then be met again by your father and at the young age of seventeen and you would move across the country to create what you thought was a whole new life. You were happy about this change, until it became an everyday hell. You would then learn what manipulation feels like, and the heartbreak that would bring on bitterness and resentment. But remember, your forgiveness and kindness would get you through the hard times.

Body image would be a struggle in your life. You would equate weight with worth, until you learned thats not how life is supposed to be lived. You would gain confidence and love your body for what it is, and this would bring you an immense amount of happiness. You would learn how to love yourself more than you ever knew. You would learn that your worth is more than your outer appearance and that people will love you for who you are not what you look like, or what you have.

Remember, New York made you into the person you are today. Bad experiences create better ones in the future. They create stronger people, and smarter individuals. You are smarter, stronger, and more capable after this; trust me.

Always remember, your past does not define you, worrying does no good, the present is the best time to live in, and being happy is more important than any materialistic or monetary item.

I love you, 11 year old Sameera. You are one strong girl.

gratitude when you are grey

Hard days like this make it hard to focus on the good.

It's been a point of mine to focus on the good. The great in my life. The best things. Because the bad things don't really matter.

Here's a list of the great things about my life

⁃ I am 20 and I have almost completed my bachelors degree
⁃ I've never been tied down in a relationship/never been heart broken
⁃ I am extremely independent
⁃ I will be living out my dream as a journalist soon
⁃ I am so capable
⁃ I am healthy
⁃ I love myself
⁃ I have a loving and supportive mother
⁃ I have the best brother ever
⁃ I have the best friends ever (you know who you are!)
⁃ I have a beautiful car
⁃ I have a house to sleep in and food to eat
⁃ I am literate and I have access to read and learn
⁃ I am free/I have a lot of freedom
⁃ I am a empathetic and caring person to people who don't always deserve it
⁃ I am able to make choices on my own
⁃ I can eat candy and not hate myself (unlike in the past)
⁃ I get to experience Portland every week
⁃ I have access to mental health help
⁃ I am not weak. I am strong. I am resilient.
⁃ I get to wake up and see the sun every morning and watch the sun set every night.

Gratitude is so important. Take control of your life. Don't let people/comments/events in life get you down. Focus on the GOOD!!!!

⁃ I feel much better now, Sameera

doctors visits go a little like "you need to lose weight, you're obese"

I have just arrived back at home from my morning doctor's appointment with a doctor that I am very uncomfortable with.

I have had back pain for over 3 years now, my breasts are a size 34 DDD, and I have permanent dents from my bra digging into my shoulders and sides. My back kills me on a daily basis, my shoulders are rolled forward, and I am not comfortable 90% of the time.

At 20 my boobs are saggy, misshapen, uneven, and UNCOMFORTABLE.

So, I arrive at my doctors appointment.

I go into the exam room and talk to the medical assistant about what I'm there for, even though I told them over the phone what I wanted to talk about and I had this appointment made 2 months ago.

The doctor comes in shortly after, and asks me what I'm there for...uh?

I explain, again, what I'm there for and he immediately goes...

"WELL THEY DONT ACCEPT OHP FOR BREST REDUCTIONS"
"Plus your BMI is 32.."
This is when I interrupt and say "so I'm obese?"
He then jumps in and says "uh...well...I'd say overweight"

He then goes on to tell me "You're overweight, you need to lose weight, your BMI is 32" followed by a not so friendly look.

I told him I don't think there is anything wrong with my body, and that BMI doesn't determine my true health.

He went on to tell me how BMI is important, and I went on to tell him that I had a borderline eating disorder when I tried to get to the recommended weight of 120 lbs for my height.

He just gave me another dirty look, sighed, and said he would submit the request.

I knew this was going to happen.

I knew he was going to police my body, tell me that I was overweight. Tell me that I needed to be smaller to even be considered for something that would cause the pain to go away.

To him I am obese. I am an unworthy overweight 20-year old whose number on the scale is more important than relieving my pain.

Today I felt defeated for a moment. Someone telling me that I was not good enough, that I was too big, that I needed to lose weight to be better.

He thought he knew my body better than I do. He didn't even give me a minute to explain myself.

He shut me down, he disregarded my feelings, and he didn't even listen.

This conversation was less than 5 minutes. And in less than 5 minutes he made me feel unimportant.

MY BODY IS NOT MEANT TO BE 130 LBS.

I eat intuitively. I am active. I am enough.

Well, I'm off to eat the donut holes that i bought, because F societal standards.

-Sincerely

Sam